10 Essential Survival Tips

1. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one. Fortunately, all bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off.
2. You can override the communications systems of an alien invasion force using your laptop. Don't waste time deciphering their computer language -- they use the same operating system as you.
3. It doesn't matter if you are outnumbered in a fight. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one.
4. During night-time operations, everything will still be clearly visible -- just slightly bluish. That is, unless anyone has night-vision goggles in which case they will be the only ones able to see.
5. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty and visited a strip club.
6. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers and man eating sharks. This will allow you at least 20 minutes to escape. Don't escape too soon -- you should wait to hear details of their evil plan first.
7. It's easy to land a plane provided there is someone in the control tower to talk you down. You'll know how to contact them.
8. You will probably survive any war unless you show someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
9. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it won't be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do.
10. When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.